13 Reasons to Play The Bachelor Fantasy Game – Nick V
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The Bachelor – Fantasy Game
Year four of Fantasy Bachelor is officially STARTS NOW!! And, yes, Fantasy Bachelor is a real thing. While you may think Fantasy Bachelor sounds “so made up,” take solace in knowing that it is. Thankfully I have one of them fancy typing boxes and access to the world wide web, so it was relatively easy for me to channel my inner Capt. Picard and “make it so.”
Now, before you take the opportunity to get all pissy and complain this isn’t sports, let me win you over to my side, the side you wanna be on.
TWO THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE THAT WILL ENJOY FANTASY BACHELOR
- Women (obvi). If not, weird.
- Men, who like A) Women B) Men C) All of the Above
- Other (New for 2016!!!)
Listen fellas, let me break this down nice and simple for you, because you’ll want to reap the rewards of playing: Presumably, you have a significant other you’d prefer to be appeased; something not achieved often. And, coming off 17 straight weeks of glorious football consumption, that task becomes increasingly more challenging. Fantasy Bachelor is the solution to all your problems. It’s all the fun using a “get out of jail free card,” without ever having to fret about giving your hard earned cash back to the state for street repairs on your houses/hotels; the Monopoly equivalent of having to spend time with your in-laws.
That’s actually just the backhanded sell. You don’t even need to be currently courting, single people can benefit too. There’s actually a list of awesome reasons to play Fantasy Bachelor. I’ve made said list. Best part? It’s a simple list, no fucking slideshow.
#1 – You were already watching Monday Night Football during this time slot anyway, so you no longer have to find an excuse to leave the couch for another 3 months. Just think of it as an extension of your Fantasy league. Fantasy + no extra effort = BIG WIN!!!
#2 – This counts as a “her activity” despite the inevitable outcome of you enjoying it more. That’s what happens when 20 points are awarded for “Needing medical attention at any point”, 30 for “Having a body part blurred out”, a clean 50 if you draft a gal who has the guts to stage the ever-elusive, “Coming back to the show to beg for another chance” – a classic bold/desperation combo – and, the new for 2016, 15 “Discussing her virginity” points.
#3 – Exaggerated drama. Who doesn’t like exaggerated drama?
#4 – Not in a relationship? Do your friends publicly call you a dud? Are they not being mean, but simply spouting truth bombs your way? Doesn’t matter. Fantasy Bachelor can be the most important step to ridding yourself of that lonely, hand-cramping lifestyle. It’s excellent entry point into the female realm; the ladies can’t get enough of it. And no, that’s not just an arbitrary, misogynistic statement. Ever wonder how The Bachelor is entering Season 20? Ratings. The Bachelor is regularly one of the most watched shows on TV, primarily because of its giant female audience. It wins every Monday key ratings demographic: Women 18-34, Women 18-49, Women 25-54; The Bachelor generally persists as the number one show of the week with women 18-34. I’ll bet that’s an age range you’d like to have something in common with. Put it this way, two programs get consumed on Monday nights in a post-MNF world: The Bachelor and Monday Night Raw. If you have an actual internal debate over which one is most likely to get you laid, you’re likely going to earn those 15 “Discussing virginity” points pretty quickly. Pro tip: If you’re over 13, do not admit to any member of the opposite sex (or anyone, really) that you’re a HUGE wrestling fan. Unless celibacy is something that’s uber important to you. Either way, The Bachelor viewing parties are a real thing, and they tend to be populated by women. Fantasy Bachelor gets you the invite.
#5 – Fantasy Bachelor is the ultimate Tinder/Bumble/Happn/OkCupid ice breaker. Talk it up, invite her over to watch next week, and… well, if I have to explain it from here, it was never going to happen for you anyway.
#6 – Contention is omnipresent in relationships; finding common ground on anything would be welcome, right? Fantasy Bachelor is a catalyst to agreement. It’s simple: wait for her to openly express which contestant she hates (SPOILER: The hottest one), then, just agree. BOOM, she loves you forever. OK, eternity is probably pushing it, but you’ll get a pass the next time you get caught checking scores on your phone while your out at dinner.
#7 – The Bachelor isn’t “good” television in the traditional sense, in fact, it’s the antithesis of that. It is immaculately produced however. The locations are extravagant and the creative team isn’t afraid to ignite a highly combustible situation if there’s no conflict occurring at any given moment. (If we believe UnReal is basically a documentary, which I do). When they combine the two, a situation emerges where you have heart broken babe downing her sorrows in a Chinese shower bellowing, “WHY DOESN’T HE LOVE ME???” Plus, it never drags, adds foolish sound effects, and takes itself more seriously than the Supreme Court. And, you know, it’s about finding love. Who’s out on love?
#8 – It’s hilarious. Ironically, mainly. I mean, Chris Harrison is the host. ‘Nough said.
#9 – The Bachelor a show with sexy, scantily clad women without the downside of watching them starve to death on a desert island. Instead of winning a challenge to get an extra supply of rice, the contestants on The Bachelor partake in only three activities – making out in foreign locales, drinking wine all day and fighting/crying. Four, if you include getting wine/body juice/tear stains out of garish dresses. I feel like that’s just the inevitable outcome of any of the previous three, though.
#10 – It’s a long time until Fantasy football starts again. Like, a really long time. Gotta do something.
#11 – You get to be an asshole and it’s acceptable. The moment anyone decides to be on a competition reality show they cease being real people. They’re now characters. Making them impervious to the emotional ramifications of constant mocking. Watch the show and make fun of the people on it; there’s zero downside. Truthfully, who doesn’t love being catty? I don’t see any hands in the air.
#12 – Money. Gambling makes everything more palatable. I dare you to name anything more hilarious than winning cash betting on The Bachelor. If you respond “The Big Bang Theory,” I’ll find you, and harm you.
#13 – Snarky cast previews/Recaps. Fantasy Bachelor is made for people who love the internet. You can’t go into work and start belittling a women who just got dumped on national television, but you can with us. We provide that safe space.
How to Play Fantasy Bachelor
Easy. Sign up for a spot in a public league here, come back the day after the season premiere, and pick your team. Each contestant is assigned a dollar value after the first episode and you have $100 of salary to spend on six contestants that will make up your team. You ONLY PICK A TEAM ONCE and you cannot go over the $100 limit. Takes about two minutes. Four if you’re terrible at internetting.
That’s it. I said it was easy.
Fantasy Bachelor Rules and Scoring
We’ll be using the scoring system put in place by Bach Fantasy, I encourage everyone to check out their maybe too in-depth episode recaps and follow them on Twitter (@BachFantasy). You’ll be rewarded for drafting insane contestants but more so for picking the ladies that make it to the end. Points are divided into Phrases, Actions, and Roses; with a new Wildcard category being announced every week.
- Talking about her parents’ relationship (5 points)
- Mentioning her kid (5 points)
- Mentioning a deceased loved one (10 points)
- Mentioning a previous fiance or husband (10 points)
- Expressing fear of a date activity (10 points)
- Discussing her virginity (15 points)
- Saying “I’m not here to make friends” (20 points)
- Saying “I’m falling for/in love with you” to the Bachelor or “I’m falling for/in love with him” to the camera (20 points)
- Saying “I love you” to the Bachelor (30 points)
- Telling the Bachelor that someone in the house “is not here for the right reasons” (30 points)
- Being told “I love you” by the Bachelor (50 points)
- Interrupting someone’s one-on-one time (5 points)
- Bonus: using the phrase “steal [the Bachelor] away” during said interruption (5 points)
- Dancing (5 points)
- Wearing a helmet (5 points)
- Singing or playing an instrument (5 points)
- Hot tubbing (5 points)
- Giving the Bachelor a gift (5 points)
- Going on a picnic (5 points)
- Must be sitting on the ground
- Wearing a costume or clothing native to another culture/country (5 points)
- Attending a concert (10 points)
- Riding in a helicopter (10 points)
- Riding on a boat (10 points)
- Kissing the Bachelor on the lips (10 points)
- Being apart of the “team” who wins alone time with the Bachelor on a group date (15 points)
- Appearing visibly drunk (15 points)
- Meeting the Bachelor’s family and/or friends (15 points)
- Interrupting a rose ceremony to ask to speak with the Bachelor alone (20 points)
- Needing medical attention at any point (20 points)
- Crying on camera (25 points)
- Must actually see moisture fall. We’re sticklers on this.
- Having a secret boyfriend at home (25 points)
- Having a body part blurred out any point (30 points)
- Only for nudity; having your mouth blurred for profanity doesn’t count
- Leaving the show early on her own accord (30 points)
- Drafting the next Bachelorette on your team (40 points)
- Coming back to the show to beg for another chance (50 points)
- Getting the First Impression Rose (35 points, only available first night)
- Being selected to go on a group date (10 points)
- Being selected to go on a one-on-one date (20 points)
- Being selected to go on a two-on-one date (30 points)
- Getting the rose to stay another week (25 points)
- Getting the rose on a group date (35 points)
- Getting the rose on a two-on-one date (40 points)
- Making it to Hometown Dates (50 points)
- Accepting the Fantasy Suite (75 points)
- Refusing the Fantasy Suite when the Bachelor is game (-75 points)
- Proposing or being proposed to (85 points)
- Winning the Final Rose (100 points)
Each week, we’ll announce the upcoming wildcard category for the week on Twitter (so follow us to see what it is). It will change weekly and is only awarded to one lady per episode. For example, one wildcard category might be: the first woman to jump in the pool this week gets 20 points.
The Pat Mayo Hour covers the entire scope of the Fantasy sports landscape from Football to Reality TV, daily and yearly leagues and everything in between. You can watch the Pat Mayo Hour every weekday at 3:00pm EST, 8:00pm EST and Midnight on FNTSY Sports Network. If you have a Fantasy question, general inquiry or snarky comment, ship it to Mayo at PatMayoHour@gmail.com and the best will be addressed on the show.