There are some things that you just know will happen.  For instance, right now I'm listening to Scarlett Johansson's new record of Tom Waits covers.  The moment I heard about this project, I knew as surely as the sun rises in the east that it would be a violent assault upon good taste, wrapped up in a pretty package.  Of course, I was right.  The only thing that could save that record is video of her singing it with the sound turned down.

It's the same way with this upcoming football season.  I can absolutely guarantee you that certain things are going to happen.  Write it down, take a picture, do whatever you gotta do, but know in your heart that these events will occur.  I speak nothing but truth.  I've got inside info.  I'm people who know people...

MIKE GILBERT'S FEARLESS PREDICTIONS

1.   Chicago RB Matt Forte will be Rookie of the Year.  Pick accordingly.

2.   Jake Delhomme will be put down like Eight Belles on the field of the Metro Dome in week 3, after a drunken Jared Allen does a tap dance on his tibia.

3.   Dwayne Bowe is literally the only receiver on the Chiefs roster.  Even QB Brodie Croyle can't stop him from hitting at least 1,200 yards receiving.

4.   Jags QB David Garrard will have a 300 yard passing game this year.  There will also be peace in the Middle East.

5. I don’t care how fast he is, RB Willie Parker is worth a 6th round draft pick, tops.  Seriously, TWO touchdowns last year?!?  The Steelers will be Rashard Mendenhall’s team.

Photo Credit: SteelCityHobbies

6. Braylon Edwards will be the second best fantasy receiver.  First best in a leap year.

7. Willis McGahee will win the NFL rushing title.  Behold the power of Flacco!

8. Meet the NFL’s newest Touchdown Vulture: San Diego’s Jacob Hester.

9. That pick of Atlanta RB Michael Turner that you’ve been keeping under your hat to impress your friends and intimidate your enemies?  Keep it there.  Your head gets lonely.

10. Cleveland TE Kellen Winslow II will spend the season on Injured Reserve after blowing an ACL during the shooting of the new Soulja Boy video.

11. Pierre Thomas will lead the Saints in rushing.  Who dat?!?

12. Bills WR Lee Evans will live up to his potential this year.  So will Penny Hardaway and Kerry Wood.

13.  Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck will throw for 5,000 yards this season.  This is purely a defense mechanism, as the Seahawks have zero run game.

Photo Credit: medium_as_muse

14. Chicago's Devin Hester will return ZERO punts or kicks for TDs this year, because no one is dumb enough to kick to him.  I will reiterate this point: any coach who willingly kicks to Devin Hester should be fired on the spot.

15. Green Bay WR Donald Driver will have stats along the lines of 120 catches for 600 yards.  A mad bomber, QB Aaron Rodgers is not.

16. John David Booty, of the Shreveport Bootys, will be the starting QB in Minnesota by week 6.

17. RB Larry Johnson will drink the milkshakes of the Chiefs' opponents.

18. Texans WR Andre Johnson is done.  Over.  Finito.

19. QB Tom Brady will make it his personal mission to annihilate every team the Pats play and to break every single-season record in the book.  He will also impregnate Giselle Bundchen with triplets, win a Daytime Emmy for his portrayal of Dr. Rex Abbott-Hellstrom on The Young and the Restless, and be appointed to Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat before the end of calendar year 2008.  Do I even have to say he’s a top 5 pick?  You know the only thing that could make Tom Brady cooler?  An eye patch.

20. Goodbye, Marvin Harrison.  It was nice knowing you.

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