Magic 8-Ball Mock Draft
by Mike Gilbert

2. St. Louis Rams – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
The Rams really could have used Jake Long to protect Marc Bulger from the beating he’s taken over the last few years.  That said, Chris Long falls right into the Rams ongoing plan of drafting strictly D-linemen in the first round.  They’ve taken five of them with their last 12 first round picks.  Unfortunately, the only one that has played out is Grant Wistrom. Long is a different kind of guy, though.  He’s got the skills, the smarts, the bloodlines, and yes, the “blue collar work ethic” to be a star in the NFL.  He’s versatile enough to play end in the 3-4 or 4-3, so that should open up playbook of D-coordinator Jim Haslett (oooh, scary!).  Teamed up with MADD’s poster boy, Leonard Little, Long should be able to bring the heat for the Rams.  At minimum, he’ll be able to serve as a sturdy pall bearer at Bulger’s funeral.  

3. Atlanta Falcons – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
Good Lord, how badly does Falcons owner Arthur Blank want to take Darren McFadden right here?  It would put butts in seats and sell many, many jerseys.  Alas, they traded for Michael Turner, so that’s out the window. Glenn Dorsey has utterly dominated SEC lines over the past several years, and would be brilliant as a one gap tackle in Atlanta’s 4-3 scheme.  He would also bring some much needed push to the pass rush.  He consistently beat double and triple teams and finished the Tigers’ National Championship season with 69 tackles, including seven sacks and 12 tackles for loss.  If those numbers don’t fully convey exactly how dominant he is, perhaps his two All-Americans and Lombardi, Nagurski, Lott and Outland trophies will.  As previously mentioned, Dorsey has some knee issues, thanks to a brutal and cowardly chop block by treacherous Auburn assassins Lee Ziemba and Chaz Ramsey.  Assuming he’s recovered from that (he looked fine in the National Championship game), Dorsey should be a top notch player at the next level. And yes, I am an LSU alumnus.

4. Oakland Raiders – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Like a creepy old junkie, Al Davis cannot resist speed. You could be a drooling idiot wearing a pinwheel hat, but if you run a sub 4.4 in the 40, Grandpa Al will probably draft you.  Never mind that he's got Justin Fargas, Lamont Jordan, Dominic Rhodes and the forgotten Michael Bush on the roster.  Those guys are just cannon fodder. McFadden is the top rated player in the draft, and Davis will find it physically impossible to resist him.

McFadden could come in and immediately take an immense weight off of JaMarcus Russell's shoulders. Russell will need all the help he can get, because the Raiders WR corps is severely lacking.  Ronald Curry is more of a 3 or 4 receiver and God only knows what the deal is with Javon Walker's knee (mistake!). But he’ll have Robert Gallery out front, so he's got that going for him. *cough*

5. Kansas City Chiefs – Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
Let’s be brutally honest here:  QB Brody Croyle was a bum at Alabama and he’s a bum as a Chief. KC has [rightfully] hit the panic button at the QB position, and it’s going to result in them taking Ryan.  The good thing is that KC can justify offering up Croyle as the sacrificial lamb for this season while Ryan gets ready.  It’s probably even better for the team, as it will take longer than one offseason to solve the team’s O-line woes. As far as Ryan himself goes, he’s the first QB taken off the board by virtue of a weak draft class.  This past season he threw 19 interceptions in the second-rate ACC, and BC’s only quality win was a squeaker at Clemson.  In a normal year, he’d be the third or fourth QB drafted (hello, JP Losman).  At the end of the day, Ryan isn’t a complete dog, but his best efforts will result in an average NFL QB at best, and you can get one of those for far less than $20 million guaranteed.

6. NY Jets – Vernon Gholston, DE/OLB, Ohio St.
What was with the Jets bringing in all those old fossils in free agency?  I loves me some Alan Faneca (Geaux Tigers!), but it was crazy to pay him $40 million. In the draft, the Jets are desperate for defensive help, particularly a pass rusher that may do more than mildly annoy Tom Brady.  Gholston has eaten Jake Long’s lunch in all the highlight reels, so that will look good on his resume.  Several of the scouting reports praise his pass rush moves, but say that Gholston can be inconsistent at times.  Yet when does the latter stop most mediocre NFL teams from drafting a guy with his pre-draft hype?  There’s a lesson in there somewhere, I think.

7. New England Patriots – Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
The defections in NE’s secondary have gotten so bad that they’re now bringing in guys the Detroit Lions cut (Fernando Bryant) to fill the gaps.  That tells you all you need to know about what the Patriots will do with this pick: best CB available.  That would be the top rated DB in this draft: Troy’s Leodis McKelvin. Reading scouting reports on CBs are like reading a wine review.  They discuss technical issues such as hip fluidity, smoothness of transition, knee bend and recovery speed.  Among his many other erudite pursuits, Bill Belichick strikes me as a gentleman that has a pretty extensive wine collection, and McKelvin looks to be of superior vintage.  As an added bonus, McKelvin was the nation’s best return man last year, and Kevin Faulk isn’t getting any younger.

8. Baltimore Ravens – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
There’s been some noise recently about the Ravens taking QB Brian Brohm in the first round.  I’m not saying this won’t happen, but not with the eighth overall pick.  That’s just crazy talk. If they don’t trade back, the Ravens need someone to fill in for the ancient/retiring Jonathan Ogden, and Clady is the best bet. At 6'6", 317, Clady is a monster.  He must have towered over everyone on Boise State's 'Smurfberry' blue field.  He’s got a lot of the same issues that many smaller school guys have, i.e. inferior coaching and training facilities, but those will be quickly overcome at the next level.  How could they not be, with a certain wild-eyed MLB who’s handy in a fight breathing down Clady’s neck?

9. Cincinnati Bengals – Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
I can’t recall the last defensive draft pick by the Bengals that has turned out to be worth a crap other than Leon Hall, so they should probably just draft an offensive player.  They have far more success there. Obviously, they need help at every position on defense, so I’m just going to take the best guy on the board at this point: Sedrick Ellis.  Take everything I said about Glenn Dorsey, shave off a few skill points to account for inferior PAC-10 opponents, and there’s your review of Ellis.  The Bengals like their DTs a bit on the skinny side, relatively speaking, so Ellis should fit right in with their plans.  Mike LB in Cincy has got to be the most dangerous position to play in the NFL, outside of Houston or St. Louis QB.

10. New Orleans Saints – Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State
My name is Mike, and I am a long-suffering Saints fan.  I can recite chapter and verse about the deficiencies of the Saints secondary and LB corps, but suffice it to say they desperately need help at both positions.  Even with the off-season acquisition of Jonathan Vilma’s cartilage-free knee and Dan Morgan’s 472 concussions, they still need help at LB, but not nearly as bad as they need help at CB. The Saints’ only proven CB, Mike McKenzie, tore his ACL in week 16, which likely means he won’t be up to snuff until 2009. Bottom line: the Saints need to take the best CB on the board.  As of now, that is Rodgers-Cromartie out of Tennessee State.  The dude has exploded up the draft charts since an impressive Senior Bowl performance, and the Saints won’t be able to resist.  Besides, he can’t possibly be worse than the Saints’ other wretched CBs, Jason David, Jason Craft and Fred Thomas, he of the legendary ‘Fred Thomas Face.’  And kidneys?  He don’t need no stinking kidneys!

11. Buffalo Bills – Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan St.
Seems like the Bills have been looking for a WR forever.  Lee Evans made his rep off of a good 2006 season, but his other two years have been mediocre and there’s not much else to speak of in the team’s WR corps.Thomas is everything that the Bills thought that Josh Reed was going to be: sure handed, a solid runner after the catch, and able to draw attention away from Evans. He’s a bit of a question mark after only playing one year of major college ball, but that hasn’t stopped him from skyrocketing up the draft board after some excellent workouts.  Some people will believe anything.

12. Denver Broncos – Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson
Why on Earth would you fire your own scapegoat?  Well, that’s what Mike Shanahan did when he used the power of numbskull to get rid of figurehead GM Ted Sundquist. Now he’s definitely on the hook for all the terrible draft choices and free agent acquisitions he’s sure to make.  You can’t coast on the Champ Bailey holdup forever.Shanny has been trying for years to cobble together a decent D-line, and this year, the quest continues.  Merling can come in to shore up the run support and provide some speedy moves in the pass rush.  He can also play a little DT as well, and Denver needs all the help it can get at that position.  Merling had better come in with the full skill set, though, because Denver has had trouble coaching its D-line to break the huddle, much less opposing QBs.

13. Carolina Panthers – Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
The Panthers better take an O-lineman here, because erstwhile horse trainer Jake Delhomme is about one big hit away from being sent the glue factory.  Luckily for the team, both they and Jordan Gross have accepted that the young man is a RT, and the Panthers can focus on filling that LT spot. The scouts portray Williams as a bit of a finesse player (i.e. soft), but I have to disagree on principle here.  If the kid had a good enough career against SEC defenses to be drafted mid first round, he must have some kind of fire. Besides, he went to Vandy, so he can probably do the team’s taxes or something.

14. Chicago Bears – Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
The Bears are another team that may fit into the “trade back for QB” category, though I see them traveling a familiar path.  Yes, it’s that time of year when the Bears awake from hibernation to take yet another RB in the first round to hilariously disastrous results!  It’s like that bear on the trampoline video; I just can’t get enough of it. Will this be the year the curse breaks?  Mendenhall has good size and speed, and looked pretty good against solid competition.  Then again, so did Cedric Benson; and Curtis Enis; and Rashaan Salaam.  We’ll give the poor guy the hometown benefit of the doubt, and just wish him good luck.  He’ll need it, with Rex ‘The Dog’ Grossman at QB and Marty Booker as the top WR target.  Why did Lance Briggs sign up for this again?

15. Detroit Lions – Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas (or Limas Sweed. Either way. you know Matt Millen would do it.) This is probably the most difficult pick to predict.  We all know that Millen doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, and that makes him unpredictable.  Add to that the fact that the Lions need help at every spot on the roster except for WR, and this could go anywhere.  Let’s give them Jones here because their starting RB as of today is Tatum Bell.  Even Millen can’t be that dumb.  The underrated Jones provides the Lions with a speedy homerun hitter that can actually help bail out Jon Kitna with his receiving skills.  Playing in McFadden’s shadow at Arkansas, Jones has got a lot of tread left on the tires, and this is a good thing.  He’ll need all the resilience he can muster to survive behind the Lions’ O-line.

16. Arizona Cardinals – Keith Rivers, LB, USC
Speaking of an NFL death sentence, ladies and gentlemen, your Arizona Cardinals! How many analysts will waste precious, precious oxygen telling us that this is the year the Cardinals make a play for the NFC West?  It will never happen.  The pickle they got themselves into with Larry Fitzgerald’s contract was a perfect example of the ineptitude of this franchise. Fitzgerald is probably the only guy they’ve ever given big money to re-sign, and they were forced into it.  They certainly weren’t going to pay enough to keep DE/OLB Calvin Pace, so he’s off to the Jets.  They’ll need someone to pick up the slack at LB, and Rivers falling to them is an unexpectedly lucky break.  Who knows, if they keep getting breaks like this, the Cardinals might one day be able to compete for second place in the horrific NFC West.  Nah.

17. Minnesota Vikings – Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida
It’s a tough break that a young man with as much promise as DE Kenechi Udeze develops leukemia. That’s not something you can predict in your scouting reports or pre-draft interviews.  That’s real life intruding into football.  Keep him in your thoughts/prayers and maybe donate some of that beer money to cancer research. The Vikings finished #1 in rush defense last season, so they’re looking for a pure pass rusher.  Harvey fits that bill perfectly and the value is good at this point.  He played well against some top notch competition in the SEC, and as long as the Vikes don’t put him in a situation where he needs to hold down two gaps, he should have a good career running down the QBs of the NFC North.

18. Houston Texans – Jeff Otah, OT, Pitt
Many hearts were broken in Houston with the announcement that Jonathan Stewart will be on the shelf for 4-6 months.  With no RBs of value available, they’ll be forced to address their need at either CB or OT. With their hefty investment in the fragile Matt Schaub, the Texans would be out of their minds to pass up a prospect like Otah at a position of need.  He may be a bit raw, but O-line guru Alex Gibbs is there to coach him.  Honestly, the Texans need to get serious about stocking their O-line, or they’ll never get anywhere, especially in the brutal AFC South.

19. Philadelphia Eagles – Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
In the five years since I moved to Philadelphia, I don’t recall hearing one positive appraisal of the team’s offseason moves.  The fans here treat Andy Reid like a knuckleheaded kid, which is crazy because the guy has put together a perennial contender. The Iggles need help at WR, particularly one that isn’t too small or too skinny.  Sweed gives them everything they need to forget the whole T.O. incident, and to take the heat off Donovan McNabb.  Sweed does have some problems staying healthy, but when he’s on the field, he absolutely slays.  The jokers in my South Philly neighborhood will worship this kid if he stays healthy, and eat him alive if he doesn’t play hurt.  Brian Westbrook is the patron saint of Broad St. 

20.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma
The Bucs only have 6 QBs on their roster currently, so I was tempted to go with Brian Brohm.  I’m sure Gruden will be, too.  Considering that Joey Galloway played ball at the Naval Academy with John McCain, and Michael Clayton is as overrated as the movie about his life, the Bucs are desperate for help at WR.Kelly is a guy that grades out a lot higher than this pick (like Buffalo at #11), but I’ve heard a fair amount of talk that not one, but both of his knees are shot.  To me, Kelly seems like a pure “measurables” guy: the college numbers were OK, but man, does he look great in shorts.  Honestly, if this is the way the NFL Combine makes teams think, they should just run it on the Oxygen Network or Logo.  

21. Washington Redskins – DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal
Quite a run on WRs here, with Jackson making the final cut.  The Redskins haven’t had consistent WR play in what seems like forever, but that hasn’t stopped them from trying to rectify the situation every single offseason. Jackson is a bit on the scrawny side, but he’s got the kind of speed that makes guys like Dan Snyder drool.  He should be able to help out in the return game too.  I’m not sure how this pick helps QB Jason Campbell develop, but then again, that’s Jim Zorn’s job, not some rookie from Berkeley.  Damn hippies.

22. Dallas Cowboys – Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
Did you know that Jerry Jones has never drafted a player from his alma mater, Arkansas?  But he’s not insane enough to…oh, wait: Quincy Carter in Round two.  Never mind.  The Cowboys are a lock to trade into the top five for a shot at McFadden. I kid.  No way does that happen with Mike Jenkins on the board.  A 200 pound CB with 4.3 speed and character concerns?  Jerry Jones just soiled himself.  After the beating that Jacques Reeves took last year, finding a starting CB is a priority for the Cowboys. No, Pacman Jones doesn’t count.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers – Branden Albert, OG, Virginia
After the Alan Faneca fiasco, the Steelers are in serious need of some O-line help. Albert is a bit of a steal at this point, as he fits in at either guard or possibly RT. Should I reel off some buzz words here?  Uh, “mean streak,” “knee bend,” “point of attack.”  Is that working for you?  The kid is a good player and fits perfectly into the Steelers’ system.

24. Tennessee Titans – Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
The Titans have other needs *cough* quarterback *cough*, but D-line is a priority. The return of The Freak isn’t getting anyone excited, and Albert “Russian Mouthwash” Haynesworth isn’t in a contract year, so expect his play to fall off.  That leaves Kyle Vanden Bosch to anchor the line, and that’s not enough. Balmer seems to have developed the “one year wonder” tag, but some slack has to be cut for a guy that played for perennial doormat North Carolina.  It’s pretty easy to double team a guy of any talent whatsoever when you’re playing UNC, as there’s not much else going on there.  He’s got the typical red flags for a guy of his position (i.e. he might balloon up to 400 pounds), but I’m sure he’ll do fine at the next level.

25. Seattle Seahawks – Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas
Ho hum, another year, another division title. The smartest thing the Seahawks ever did was moving over to the NFC to steal the lunch money of the pitiful nerds of the NFC West.  Hell, it will be front page news when the Seahawks don’t take the division crown. Another great thing about playing in a division as poor as the NFC West is that you can draft the best player on board, regardless of position, to keep your team on top for the long term.  By now, Mike Holmgren has got to understand the sheer wastefulness of taking a TE in the first round, so that’s out.  Talib is the best on the board right here.  Besides, you can never have too many good CBs on your team, especially in a division with receiving threats the likes of Arnaz Battle and The Receiver Formerly Known as Torry Holt.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Kenny Phillips, S, Miami
The Jaguars' modus operandi of drafts consists of focusing on one position until they get it right. Seeing as how last year’s pick of S Reggie Nelson worked out pretty well, let’s assume they stick with this line of thinking. While the Jags need to replace DT Marcus Stroud, there are better options here at a position of equal need.  Phillips can be teamed up with Nelson to form a formidable young pair of safeties that will put a hurtin’ on you.

27. San Diego Chargers – Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.  What exactly will it take to get these guys over the hump?  Maybe a massive offensive lineman from a school known for churning them out; yeah, that will do.  Cherilus and the surprisingly good Marcus McNeill will form quite a pair of bookends protecting Philip Rivers’ behind.  They also be clearing the way for L.T. to do what he does best.  Geez, Tomlinson with an even better line?  Some records might get re-written this year.

28. Dallas Cowboys – Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
As with the Seahawks, having few holes in your roster allows you to plan for the future.  For instance, everybody and his grandma knows that Jerry Jones wants one of those Arkansas RBs.  I don’t think they’ll be there for him, but that might turn out for the best. Stewart will be out 4-6 months after big toe surgery, but this kid has skills that are worth waiting for. He rushed for 1,700 yards and 11 TDs in his junior year at Oregon before deciding to enter the draft.  Stewart is big, quick, and runs low to the ground like another Cowboy great you may have heard of, Emmitt Smith.  Besides, this fits in with Jones’ inexplicable hatred of Marion Barber, so I’d call it a lock.

29. San Francisco 49ers – Calais Campbell, DE, Miami
The 49ers are a hot mess; they need help everywhere.  While a WR such as James Hardy or Early Doucet is a possibility here, the Niners D-line stinks.  They should probably take the best D-lineman available. Campbell is more of a bull rusher than a speed guy, and the Niners defense could definitely use an extra shot of toughness.  He has a knack for making plays in the backfield, and at minimum, will provide opponents with something other than Patrick Willis to worry about. 

30. Green Bay Packers – Brandon Flowers, CB, Virginia Tech
Why does a team with Al Harris and Charles Woodson need a CB in the first round? Because both are in their eleventh season and are old as dirt. Flowers is used to being off on an island, so he’ll fit perfectly into the Packers’ man-up defense.  He’ll also get to ease into the system as a #3 CB and learn from two wily old veterans. Getting picked by the Packers would probably be the best thing that could happen to Mr. Flowers.

31. New York Giants – Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennesee
In the wake of the annual exodus that follows a Super Bowl win, the Giants are in desperate need of some help at LB.  Luckily, Mayo is the last blue chipper on the board.  Funny how that worked out. Mayo played at every LB spot for the Vols, but in The League, teams don’t draft Sam LBs in the first round.  Good for Mayo, as his skill set lends itself fairly well to the Will LB spot.  Bad for opponents, as now the Giants will be able to bring even more heat in the pass rush, if that’s even possible.   When his skull is not jacked into the NFL Network, Matrix style, Mike Gilbert also follows the issues surrounding independent music at Booming Din.com.   

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