What the freaking crap?!?!?

If you're in the midst of your baseball playoffs like I am, and an owner of starting pitchers like Carlos Zambrano, Rich Harden, Josh Beckett, Joe Saunders, and John Danks, I'm sure you've been muttering something similar, although a bit saltier under your breath (maybe something that rhymes with "trucking spit?").  You've believed in these guys all year long, stayed with them during the hard times, and this is how they repay you?  By either getting hurt, skipping starts, or just plain blowing when it matters most?  Well screw them.  You can do better.  You're an independent woman and doggone it, people like you!  Sorry, I've been drinking Miller High Life and switching back and forth between old SNL reruns and the Lifetime channel.  I'm incredibly confused right now.  I also might be slightly buzzed...On a serious note (stay focused), during the regular season it's okay to ride out the bad streaks or questionable status of your high-end pitchers, but when the playoffs roll around, that school of thought needs to be thrown through the screen door.  Lucky for you, I'm here to help.  Instead of just plugging and playing guys that aren't performing at their normal levels, let's take a look at a few two-start pitchers for the upcoming week that could provide invaluable...value during your push for a championship. 

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Zach Miner:  9/8 vs. Oakland and 9/14 @ Chicago (AL)

Very quietly Zach Miner has been surprisingly effective this season.  He's not going to give you a lot of strikeouts, but doesn't walk many hitters either.  This week he'll face an A's offense that doesn't scare anyone, and a White Sox team that he's already met twice over the past month.  His numbers in those contests?  A 2.25 ERA and 1.00 WHIP with two victories.   

Edwin Jackson:  9/8 @ Boston and 9/14 @ New York (AL)

After giving up six runs on June 15th to the Florida Marlins, Edwin Jackson reeled off four straight great starts in which he allowed just seven combined runs.  In his fifth start, he gave up six runs.  Following that, he went seven consecutive ballgames in which he didn't give up more than three runs (and he only did that once).  That streak of excellence was ended on Wednesday when he gave up...yep, you guessed it.  Six runs.  Coincidence?  Perhaps.  Worth taking a chance on this week?  Definitely.        

Ian Snell:  9/8 @ Houston 9/14 vs. St. Louis

I know that owning Ian Snell has been a stinky experience this season, but the Snelly one has actually been relatively odor-free over the past month.  Like a freshly cleaned Port-o-Potty, Snell has convinced me that engaging in an "experience" with him might not be so bad after all.  He faced the Cardinals in St. Louis as recently as August 19th and didn't give up a run while punching out eight and allowing only four hits.   

Greg Maddux:  9/8 @ San Diego and 9/14 @ Colorado

Talk about two polar opposite starts.  Greg Maddux returns to the friendly confines of PETCO Park, where he compiled a 2.62 ERA and a 0.98 WHIP this season?  A guaranteed gem.  The light-throwing Maddux pitching against the streaking Rockies in the thin Colorado air?  That one could get ugly.  My advice?  Never pass up a sure-fire great outing just because of the possibility of a blowup later in the week.  Plus, it's Maddux.  He won't let you down when you really need him.

Carl Pavano:  9/8 @ Anaheim and 9/14 vs. Tampa Bay

I know what you're thinking.  Am I really suggesting that you stream Carl Pavano, a man whose name has become so synonymous with the term "failure to perform" that he can't even get a date in New York City despite his sweet Beamer, stylish haircut, and fat wallet?  Yeah, I guess I am.  Other than a low strikeout rate, Pavano has done nothing to hurt fantasy owners in his first three starts of the year, and he's actually registered wins in two of those ballgames.  He does have to travel to Anaheim this week, but he gets the Rays at home with an always supportive Yankees crowd cheering him on...or threatening to string him up by his balls and beat him like a piñata.  Either way, he should be motivated to perform well. 

Jorge Campillo:  9/9 vs. Colorado and 9/14 @ New York (NL)

I hate Jorge Campillo.  Not because he's not a good pitcher -- his 3.67 ERA and a 1.18 WHIP on the season say that he is -- but I traded for Campillo immediately after his August 3rd start (he had a 2.58 ERA at the time), and he proceeded to give up 23 runs over his next five games prompting me to drop his seemingly worthless ass.  He immediately struck out seven and gave up only three runs in his next outing.  He doesn't have great matchups this week, and after what he did to me, I can't in good conscience recommend that you rely on him this week, but he's worth mentioning.  Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Randy Wolf:  9/9 vs. Pittsburgh and 9/14 vs. Chicago (NL)

C'mon, who doesn't like to feel a little Randy now and then?  If your baseball libido is revving at near burstable levels, give the "Wolfman" a shot at satisfying your urgings.  He's coming off a complete game shutout against the Cubs, which was preceded by a six inning, three-hitter in St. Louis.  Wolf hasn't given up more than four runs since being traded to the Astros in mid-July, and with an expiring contract at the end of the year, he's got plenty to pitch for over the next couple of weeks.  In fact, based on my own recommendation, I just -- right this minute -- picked up Wolf and plugged him into my lineup for next week.  You should do the same.

One last note here -- and this is for those of you who aren't buying the two-start pitcher rationale -- there is an "alternative" method for reaching fantasy glory if your pitching staff has failed to live up to their end of the bargain.  Lean in close for this one...closer...a little bit closer...I don't want to let this info get into the wrong hands.  I've tried this method at various times this year, and am currently using it in my main league to make up for untimely injuries.  It's risky, but if all goes right, it can be extremely effective.  Have you ever thought about replacing your two back-end starters with top-level middle relievers?  Sure, you'll take a hit in wins, but your ERA and WHIP will be drastically lowered, and there's always the possibility that you end up picking up a cheap win or save.  If you can land a strikeout specialist like Rafael Perez, Dennis Sarfate (who has thrived since being moved to the bullpen), Fernando Rodney, Grant Balfour, or Hong-Chih Kuo, even better.  It can be a little bit like catching lightning in a bottle (same as two-start pitchers really), but if you get eight innings, 11 strikeouts, and one earned run out of a double-dipped middle reliever rotation, you could very well steal yourself a playoff victory.  Just a suggestion.  

Chris is desperately trying to extend his fantasy baseball season.  It's not going well.  Try and talk him off the ledge by emailing him at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

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