The Pickup Artist has a thing for fresh faces, but doesn't mind a rendezvous with a couple of grizzled vets. "I thought I was through with you
Thought that you'd be long gone
I should have knew that you wouldn't be lonely long
How can I get through to you?
I'm a hustla and I want it all" -Nate Dogg Who would've thought that the same person who once penned lyrics like, “smoke weed every day” (ever so harmoniously, I might add), would be able to encapsulate the world of add/drops with just a few simple words? He’s one of the great visionaries of the 20th century, for sure. For those of you unfamiliar with the "Soul of G-Funk", let me break it down for you in fantasy football terms. You know that player you drafted but dropped a few weeks ago, because you thought he couldn't help your team? Well, there's a good chance he's contributing to someone else's success. There are, no doubt, some owners in your league who have done the same thing, and now several players with potential are left looking for love. If you're a true “hustla” and want to win it all, you need to "get through" to them. A great sensei once said, “strike hard, strike first, no mercy.” He subsequently got punked by a little Okinawan guy, but I digress. The lesson here is to move with a sense of urgency, because just like the way your castoff wound up latching on with another team, these players too, won't be lonely long. QB "I never believed in miracles until I saw you."
Matt Ryan (ATL)
Miracle is a bit of a strong word, isn't it? It suggests that I've come out of nowhere, and that's hardly the case. I wasn't the third overall pick in this year's draft for nothing, you know. There's no question I've got the talent to succeed; it's just that as a rookie, no one expected much from me. Well, my sharp performance at Lambeau Field this past Sunday has raised the bar. It's clear my development as a franchise quarterback is progressing, so despite the fact that my opportunities may remain limited, my numbers should steadily improve as the season plays out. Just know that our schedule isn't too kind the rest of the way, and we're still a run-first team. If you're in deep leagues or those that start two QBs, however, I can be an adequate stop-gap against lesser defenses. Think Oakland in Week Nine and New Orleans in Week 10, and get back to me before then. "If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print."
David Garrard (JAX)
I’ve been walking that fine line between fantasy love and hate over the past year, but mark my words: I'm back. Pittsburgh's defense has been a thorn in the side of opposing quarterbacks this season, but I managed to walk away unscathed with a solid, mistake-free performance. My worst play of the season is clearly behind me (worst part of the schedule too), so there’s no reason to fear if you need to plug me in against Denver, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit over the next five weeks (bye in Week Seven). Of course, I’m more solid than spectacular, but there’s something to be said for consistency. RB "Did the sun just come up... or did you just light up my world?"
DeAngelo Williams (CAR)
That was me baby! Look, I know Jonathan Stewart was everybody's sweetheart, so I thought I'd send a little reminder to the doubters out there that I'm Carolina’s starter for a reason. Sure, it was Kansas City’s defense, and the game was a blowout, but I’m a big reason why it was a blowout. On paper, this week's matchup against Tampa Bay looks tough. A closer look at the numbers, however, suggests I can actually have some success against them. How? Well, the Bucs “Tampa-2” defense is extremely vulnerable to pass-catching running backs (they're giving up an average of six catches, 57 yards, and 0.4 touchdowns per game to opposing RBs), and we all know that part of the job isn’t Stewart's forte. Dumping me seemed like the fashionable thing to do over the last few weeks, so if I’m available in your league, start a new fad and pick me up pronto. “Are you a police officer? Because you’re one of Foxboro’s finest.”
Kevin Faulk (NE)
You say that to all the New England running backs, don’t you? From LaMont Jordan to Sammy Morris, they’ve all been popular pickups through the first five weeks. It’s funny too, because people almost forgot about me after my one-game suspension in Week One. As it stands right now, Morris has emerged as our feature back. I’m the guy in on passing downs though, and this past Sunday, I was the flavor of the week for goal-line duty. With Coach Belichick at the helm, I can’t make any promises that that will continue, but I’m at least worth a flex play if you’re desperate. If you’re in a point-per-reception league, remember that only eight running backs had more receptions than me in 2007. In 2008, only seven are averaging more receptions per game. "Do you have the time? ‘Cause I’ve got the place!"
Ryan Torain (DEN)
Can you afford to wait until Week Eight or Nine, and do you have a place for me on your roster? If you can, and do, and you’re looking for RB help, I’m your guy. There are rumors in Denver that coach Shanahan will commit more to the run once I’m ready to go, and it’s not like any of our other RBs have stepped up in my absence. Selvin Young? Andre Hall? We hardly knew ya. That leaves Michael Pittman, a guy who’s never been able to shoulder the load in his career. Pick me up now, and reap the rewards later. WR “If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction.”
Bobby Engram (SEA)
When you say looks, are you referring to my team-high 10 targets on Sunday? That’s right, PPR’ers. This fantasy godsend is healthy and safe to insert into your lineups. If you thought I was Matt Hasselbeck’s go-to guy before, imagine how much he’ll need me now. Deion Branch left Sunday’s game with a heel injury, and according to the Kitsap Sun (just had to source ‘em with a name like that), coach Holmgren believes he’ll be out a few more weeks because of it. "Hey, you plus me equals we."
Devin Hester (CHI)
Yeah, and Kyle Orton plus me equals touchdown! That makes two weeks in a row we’ve hooked up for scores, and my five receptions for 66 yards against Detroit were also a career high. I’d say I’m getting the hang of this thing, don’t you? With matchups against Atlanta, Detroit, Green Bay (twice), St. Louis, New Orleans, and Houston on the way, it's wise to stash me away for insurance.  | Are you stoked about my potential this week? Photo Credit: Icon SMI |
“Is there an airport nearby, or is that my heart taking off?”
Brandon Stokley (DEN)
I’m not exactly sure, but if Jay Cutler still plans on doing what he does best, I could be in for a big game or two the next couple of weeks. Tony Scheffler (groin) and Eddie Royal (ankle) will likely miss at least one game, leaving yours truly as the best available option next to Brandon Marshall. Five of my receptions, including a score, came after Royal left the game on Sunday, so it’s clear that Cutler will be looking my way early and often this weekend against Jacksonville. Now, stop searching and start traveling to your league’s free agent list. It’s time to fly. "Are you a fisherman? Because you've got me on the hook."
Greg Camarillo (MIA)
You’re not the only one. Quentin Jammer (SD) too was also hooked, with line and sinker, on Sunday. Did you see the bait he fell for on my way to the end zone? That was pretty sweet. The six grabs and 68 yards are just proof – Chad Pennington and I are developing quite the chemistry. Expectations for me aren’t all that high right now, but our offense, and my role in it, continue to steadily improve each week. You could do worse if you’re in a bye-week pinch, so why not take a chance with me against Houston’s defense next week? Oh, by the way – step your game up. Dolphins are mammals, not fish. TE “Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only ten I see.”
Bo Scaife (TEN)
I hear you’ve been using that line a lot lately. At least with me, it’s a little more apropos. Here are the facts: I’m Top Five in both receptions and receiving yards among all tight ends. Throw in my touchdown from Week Four, and I have more fantasy points than Kellen Winslow (CLE), Dallas Clark (IND), Owen Daniels (HOU), and Heath Miller (PIT). If you’re in a PPR league, you’ll notice I’ve also outscored Tony Scheffler (DEN). I’m off this week, but have matchups against Kansas City, Indianapolis, and Green Bay the following three weeks. Surely you and I can find some time together, no? “Nothing beats a nice tight end.”
Ben Watson (NE)
Especially one that’s facing the San Diego Chargers defense. When I saw them on my schedule in Week Six, I have to admit, I got really excited. Why? Through five weeks, the Chargers have allowed an average of seven receptions, 85 yards, and one touchdown per game to opposing tight ends. And it’s not like they were facing Jason Witten (DAL) every week either. Dante Rosario (CAR) – seven receptions, 96 yards, one TD
Dustin Keller (NYJ) – four receptions, 41 yards, one TD
Zach Miller (OAK) – five receptions, 95 yards, one TD
Tony Scheffler (DEN) – six receptions, 64 yards, two TDs I rest my case. The Pickup Artist is actively recruiting pickup lines from his readers. Send ‘em if you got ‘em to
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, and you’ll be given props if used in an upcoming column.
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