 Icon SMI For the true NFL junkie, the Draft is somber yet uplifting moment. Uplifting in the sense that everyone, even fans in Detroit and Arizona, think that maybe, just maybe, their team has acquired enough talent to compete in the next season. Somber in that this is the last fix of football action for about three months. Guess you'll have to get back to...whatever it is you do when you're not watching the greatest sport birthed from the minds of men. Because I care, I've slurped up every bit of knowledge I could find about the lies, shenanigans and deception surrounding the Draft and offered you the truth. Between the Draft and the Pennsylvania primary both happening this week, I have been subjected to more b.s. and self-aggrandizing pundit commentary than anyone should have to deal with in seven lifetimes. I do this because I am an addict. An NFL addict. This is my one last hit before the long, dark football-less summer. And so, I offer you my updated (from three weeks ago) Mock Draft:
1. Miami Dolphins – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
Previous Pick: Long
The Situation: The Dolphins aren’t fooling anybody by negotiating with Vernon Gholston as well as Long. They’re not giving a situational pass rusher with a history of taking plays off $30 million guaranteed, even if he did occasionally eat Long’s lunch. “Super Agent” Tom Condon represents Matt Ryan in addition to Long, and he knows playing the two off of each other is bad for business. Expect Long to be signed before the draft. (Editors Note – We received this before Long signed, but were slow getting it up and on the site) 2. St. Louis Rams – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
Previous Pick: Chris Long, DE, Virginia
The Situation: For all the hype about Chris Long’s Hall of Fame daddy, Dorsey is simply a better football player. The Rams need some sort of identity on defense, and Dorsey can collapse the pocket and rile up the troops. He might even be good enough to overcome Jim Haslett’s game planning. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. 3. Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
Previous Pick: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
The Situation: If the guy that signs the checks, Falcons owner Arthur Blank, wants a new face for his franchise, he gets it, even if that means overlooking allegations of Boston Terrier fighting in Ryan’s past. Bonus: just think of all the wisdom that Joey Harrington and Chris Redman have to pass along to young Mr. Ryan! 4. Oakland Raiders – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Previous Pick: McFadden
The Situation: Even the possibility of taking Mr. Raider, Jr. (C. Long) doesn’t dissuade Grandpa Al from his speed habit. Look, the Raiders are going to need to protect JaMarcus Russell as much as humanly possible so that the kid doesn’t pull a Marinovich. Oakland is not an easy place to play for a young QB. McFadden gives the other team something serious to worry about. 5. Kansas City Chiefs – Branden Albert, OG, Virginia
Previous Pick: Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
The Situation: Mel Kiper spoke to me in a dream and said that because of Albert’s superior time in the three-cone drill at his pro day workout, he’s rocketing up the Big Board. Mel also told me where to get a good rug. After browsing through the irradiated wasteland that is the Chiefs’ O-line depth chart, I’m inclined to agree on Albert, but I’ll stick with shaving my head. 6. NY Jets – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
Previous Pick: Vernon Gholston, DE/OLB, Ohio St.
The Situation: The Mangenius will do whatever it takes to stick his finger in the eye of Belichick and the Patriots, so don’t be surprised to see the Jets trade out of this slot so that someone can take whoever the Pats are targeting. They’d be stupid to pass on Long, but jealousy makes you do dumb things. 7. New England Patriots – Keith Rivers, LB, USC
Previous Pick: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
The Situation: Not to take anything away from MikeVrabel and Teddy Bruschi, because those guys are good players, but they are older than Stonehenge. The fact that Bruschi is still playing after suffering from a stroke is nothing short of amazing. But as Troy Brown can tell you, that was yesterday, this is today. Adalius Thomas is a dud and the cupboard at LB is bare. The Pats need at LB is nearly equal to their need at CB, so they’ll look at Leodis McKelvin, but decide that Keith Rivers is the better player. 8. Baltimore Ravens – Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
Previous Pick: Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
The Situation: First rule of Ravens Draft: protect Ray Lewis. Another big body in the middle will keep the heat off of Lewis keeps everyone happy and stab wound free. I’m still not convinced they won’t move back and try to get a QB at a more favorable slot, though. 9. Cincinnati Bengals – Vernon Gholston
Previous Pick: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
The Situation: I know, I know; Gholston doesn’t have a criminal record, something the Bengals look for in a draft pick. But he does have the kind of incredible athletic ability combined with inconsistent play that keeps MikeBrownSucks.com in business. 10. New Orleans Saints – Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
Previous Pick: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State
The Situation: If McKelvin is on the board, the Saints run to the podium with his name on the card. However, if Keith Rivers is still on the board, expect the Eagles to call, dangling Lito Sheppard on a hook. Hey, I live down the street from the NovaCare Complex. I hear things. I also hear wild rumors that that Saints want to trade up to #2 for Glenn Dorsey. These are clearly the rantings of scouts that have been sniffing glue. 11. Buffalo Bills – Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State
Previous Pick: Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan St.
The Situation: Man, the draft gurus really seems to loathe the top WRs in this year’s draft class, so they’re dropping like stones. And who can blame them? Mario Manningham can’t stop hitting the bong, Malcom Kelly sounds like a 9/11 conspiracy theorist and Devin Thomas was playing ball ju-co ball in the middle of Kansas season before last. The Bills still need help at WR, but not that badly. Have you seen their starting CBs? Terrence McGee hasn’t made a play since ’05 and Ashton Youboty I’ve never heard of. Take the best CB on the board, guys. 12. Denver Broncos – Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida
Previous Pick: Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson
The Situation: You can always find some unscrupulous 6th rounder to kneecap, pardon me, zone block in the Broncos system, so why waste a first rounder? Shanahan has run out of former Browns to recycle, so I say he takes the top DE. Harvey can be teamed up with his former Univ. of Florida teammate Jarvis Moss for a pretty potent pass rush. 13. Carolina Panthers – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
Previous Pick: Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
The Situation: The Panthers can’t run. The Panthers can’t complete a pass to anyone not named Steve Smith. Their O-line is most responsible for this situation, so that’s where they look for help. 14. Chicago Bears – Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
Previous Pick: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
The Situation: Remember when the Bears drafted RB Cedric Benson #4 overall back in 2005? Remember how he cried like a little girl with a skinned knee? Man, that was funny. The Bears O-line has really given him something to cry about over the past three seasons, so they start bringing in some help here. Not that it will help turn around the career of the one man in The League who goes down from a hit faster than Shaun Alexander after signing a new contract. Hey, what good is money if you’re not around to spend it? 15. Detroit Lions – Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
Previous Pick: Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas
The Situation: Ladies and gentlemen, meet the next Kevin Jones, Rashard Mendenhall! I almost feel sad for this kid having to rely on the mighty (!) arm of Jon Kitna to keep the heat off of him. I’m open to any and all bets that the Lions won’t have a top 5 draft pick next year. O-coordinator Mike Martz was the one reason they showed any spunk at all last year, and they canned him; typical Matt Millen idiocy. 16. Arizona Cardinals – Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas
Previous Pick: Keith Rivers, LB, USC
The Situation: Talib is the perfect pick for the legendarily cheap Bidwell family. He’ll be too high to remember to make waves for a new contract if he plays well. I’m sure Mr. Talib will be great friends with Mr. Saturday Night, Matt Leinart. In other Cardinals news, I looked at their free agent signings in the wake of the Larry Fitzgerald debacle and did not recognize the name of a single guy they signed. A random sampling of CFL general managers yielded the same results. 17. Minnesota Vikings – Chad Henne, QB, Michigan (K.C.)
Previous Pick: Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida
The Situation: Whoa! Look at the break on that curveball! Here’s the deal: the Chiefs’ trade of DE Jared Allen to Minnesota is pretty much a done deal. That takes care of Minnesota’s pass rush needs, as well as the recent boredom of the strippers of Lake Minnetonka, so it’s a win/win. The Chiefs say screw the critics and take Henne, a four year starter at Michigan and the #2 rated QB on the board. 18. Houston Texans – Jeff Otah, OT, Pitt
Previous Pick: Otah
The Situation: If the Texans take anything other than an O-lineman in the first round, Matt Schaub should call Lloyd’s of London to up his insurance policy. The poor bastard is gonna get mutilated playing against the Colts’, Titans’ and Jaguars’ D-lines if he doesn’t get some top end help. 19. Philadelphia Eagles – Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan St.
Previous Pick: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
The Situation: As previously mentioned, the Iggles could trade up with the Saints, but if not, they take the top WR. They’d just better hope he’s better than their last first round WR pick, FredEx. Whatever happened to that guy? I miss his T.O. sized mouth and Charles Rogers sized output. 20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
Previous Pick: Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma
The Situation: With talented DTs (Warren Sapp and Booger McFarland), the Bucs won a Superbowl. Without them, they haven’t done too much. The math is pretty easy. 21. Washington Redskins – Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson
Previous Pick: DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal
The Situation: My antennae are buzzing about a trade down here, but if not, the Redskins try to help their busted up pass rush with the best DE on the board. WR is also a strong possibility, which leads me to the trade down theory; they can go back as far as 10 slots and still get decent help at that position. 22. Dallas Cowboys – Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas
Previous Pick: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
The Situation: They’d actually revoke my membership in Mock Drafters Union Local 317 if I didn’t project the Cowboys picking Jones here. 23. Pittsburgh Steelers –Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
Previous Pick: Branden Albert, OG, Virginia
The Situation: The loss of Alan Faneca really decimates the Steelers’ O-line, so they take the best lineman on the board. In other news, did you know Pittsburgh has a 28 year old mayor? God, I hate overachievers. 24. Tennessee Titans – Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma
Previous Pick: Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
The Situation: Vince Young needs a reliable target at the WR position if he’s ever going to develop into a decent QB. Kelly could be the guy that helps Young become something other than a poor man’s Ron Mexico. Maybe Kelly and Young could even compare notes. I wonder which is higher, Kelly’s 40 time or Young’s Wonderlic score? 25. Seattle Seahawks – Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
Previous Pick: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas
The Situation: I will reiterate the point I made last time about first round TEs being worthless. Don’t do it, Holmgren. Not worth it. Playing in the sorry NFC West, the Seahawks have the luxury of taking the best player available. Survey says: Jenkins. You can never have enough good CBs, something the Seahawks learned all too well in the playoffs a few years back. 26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Kenny Phillips, S, Miami
Previous Pick: Phillips
The Situation: The Jags have got to do everything they can to rough up the Colts, Patriots and Chargers WRs if they want to make it to the Superbowl. Period. 27. San Diego Chargers – Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
Previous Pick: Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
The Situation: It’s almost too perfect: Stewart can learn at the foot of the master, Tomlinson, while he heals up from his toe surgery. When he’s ready to go, the Chargers have a masher to spell Tomlinson and get the tough yards. Free beer and everybody gets laid! 28. Dallas Cowboys – James Hardy, WR, Indiana
Previous Pick: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
The Situation: WR is a priority for the Cowboys, as T.O. and Terry Glenn were both originally drafted by the Decatur Staleys. DeSean Jackson is way too tiny to be a first round pick, so Hardy it is. He’s the same size as Plaxico Burress, and any team can use one of those ‘jump ball in the end zone’ kinda guys. Besides, you know Jerry Jones loves him some ‘character concern’ guys, and Hardy fits that bill, too. 29. San Francisco 49ers – Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennesee
Previous Pick: Calais Campbell, DE, Miami
The Situation: The 49ers are in so deep they need binoculars to see the water line, so they’ve got to take the best player on the board. Right here, that’s Mayo, who could pair up with Patrick Willis to make a formidable LB corps. They also pick early in the second round, so they’ll be able to address their crying need for a WR there. 30. Green Bay Packers – Brandon Flowers, CB, Virginia Tech
Previous Pick: Flowers
The Situation: Flowers can study under the wings of Al Harris and Charles Woodson, and the Pack will be set in their secondary for a long time. 31. New York Giants – Dan Connor, LB, Penn St.
Previous Pick: Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennesee
The Situation: If you’re the Giants, sitting here with this pick and Joe Flacco and Brian Brohm are still on the board, you just smile as the offers roll in. Somebody’s gonna blink, and my gut tells me it’s the Ravens. If the Giants do take the pick, they go with the best LB on the board to replenish this depleted group.
When his skull is not jacked into the NFL Network, Matrix style, Mike Gilbert also follows the issues surrounding independent music at www.boomingdin.com.
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