The NFL Draft is ridiculous television, scarcely better than watching paint dry. Yet we’re so starved for football right now that we watch it anyway. In keeping with the light-hearted and inconsequential nature of the Draft, I offer you my Big Ass Draft Recap. I didn’t bother to give the teams letter grades; that’s been done to death. Instead, I picked out a movie that best describes what the team did with their picks. Don’t worry; it’s not all obscure indie films about starving Irishmen, extended conversations about the meaning of life and seppuku. If you have any suggestions to this end, I’m open.

Grade: Pleasantville

Having the first overall pick, it would be nearly impossible for the Dolphins to have screwed up this draft, and they did not. They went the safe route. It’s hard to judge whether they filled their needs, because a 1-15 team has too many holes to fill in one draft. However they did pretty good. Chad Henne shouldn’t have too much of a problem beating out 97-pound weakling John Beck for the starting QB job.

Grade: A Few Good Men

Boom or bust draft by the Jets. They got bullied into that Vernon Gholston pick, bullied by the memory of a former coach (Bill Belichick). I liken this to the Matt Jones pick a few years ago; if the production ain’t there on the field, all the six-pack abs or speed in the world won’t make up for it. Not sure what they were thinking with the Dustin Keller pick, other than that neither Kellen Clemens nor Chad Pennington have enough arm strength to throw outside the hash marks.

Grade: Real Genius

Just because Belichick makes a move, is it the right one? That’s a very Zen debate that has raged for centuries. Regardless, Jerrod Mayo is the right guy for the Pats, as he can play all three LB positions. Jaws and Mel Kiper seemed to think that the Pats cock-blocked the rest of the league in drafting QB Kevin O’Connell, but when you have the level of job security that Belichick has, you can build for the future like that.

Grade: Funny Farm

It looks like the Bills addressed enough of their needs to make this a solid draft. Leodis McKelvin fills a big hole at CB. I hope they did their homework in terms of background checks, as Canadian work permits are getting increasingly difficult to obtain.

Grade: The Fast and the Furious

Darren McFadden IS the entire Raiders draft and will be what it is judged by. The rest of their picks were small school guys whose one quality was, what else, speed. Hey, it doesn’t matter whether you win by an inch or a mile. Just win, baby!

Grade: Jesus Christ, Superstar

Glenn Dorsey, Branden Albert and Brandon Flowers: just wow. Helluva draft. The only downside to the Chiefs draft picks is that they’ll be coached by Herman Edwards on game day.

Grade: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

The Denver Broncos grab a Boise St. Bronco in OT Ryan Clady. Wyld Stallyns rule! On paper it looks like they went a long way towards filling their needs.

Grade: Blue Hawaii

AJ Smith, you just got yourself a winner, my friend. LSU FB Jacob Hester may not be the biggest, strongest or fastest guy on the field, but if you need to TCB between the tackles, he’s your guy. Even when everyone in the whole stadium knows he’s getting the ball, he’ll get you that one yard you need to convert or score. The Chargers failure to draft a RT is somewhat troubling, but not fatal.

Grade: Rashômon

They picked half the players in college, so they must have filled at least some of their needs, depending on your point of view. They got spooked into trading down and then back up for QB Joe Flacco, but they got their guy. On top of that, they drafted Haruki Nakamura, making a kick-ass Akira Kurosawa reference possible.

Cincinnati Bengals

Grade: 27 Dresses

The Bengals got beat to the punch by both the Saints and the Jaguars in terms of guys they wanted, but Keith Rivers isn’t a bad consolation prize. They also drafted Reche Caldwell’s little brother and a guy from the red-headed stepchild of the Carolinas, Coastal Carolina U. They also get bonus bonehead points for not moving Chad Johnson to the Redskins for a first and a second round pick.

Grade: Wall Street

Greed is good, but if we’re talking about need, the Steelers did nothing to address their needs across both lines. Still, you have to like them pairing up Willie Parker with RB Rashard Mendenhall. WR Limas Sweed is a nice pick too, as Hines Ward is getting up there in years.

Grade: The Invisible Man

Did Cleveland even have any draft picks this year? Oh, that’s right: they traded them for last year’s first rounder, Mr. Commercial Star Brady Quinn. Hey, the kid has a telegenic face and time to kill.

Grade: Battlefield Earth

The Texans’ draft couldn’t have been any worse if they had picked fat John Travolta and the corpse of L. Ron Hubbard. The problem, Texans, is that if you snooze, you lose. Every guy they wanted was taken before their pick, and they just sat there and took it. Subsequently, they were left without a chair when the music stopped. Poor, poor Matt Schaub. If he just would have held out just another few months, he would have been The Man in Atlanta.

Grade: The Devil and Daniel Webster

The Jags gave up far too much to move up from #26 to #8 to get Derrick Harvey. Why not give up a little more for proven commodities in Jared Allen or Jason Taylor? For that matter, Jeremy Shockey might put them over the top as well. As usual, the Jags keep drafting the same position (pass rusher this time) until they get it right.

Grade: Plan 9 from Outer Space

The Titans’ draft was a cult classic of crappy picking. It says a lot when your best draft pick is probably the 3rd round TE you took from Cal. Lendale White’s breakfast is bigger than 197-pound RB Chris Johnson.

Grade: Master and Commander

Man, the Colts really loaded up on centers and tight ends. TE Jacob Tamme and RB Mike Hart have some real potential in the Colts’ system, and you have to hope Mount Union WR Pierre Garcon makes the roster for comedy value alone.

Grade: Son of Kong

Chris Long is a good player with a Hall of Fame pedigree, but how can you pass up Glenn Dorsey here? Long will have a good career, but the Rams will regret not taking Dorsey. And what was with making Houston’s Donnie Avery the first receiver off the board? Yeah, he’s fast, but he’s a runt. Then again, the Rams do like their receivers soft.

Grade: Cheaper by the Dozen

The Cardinals could have ended the day after their first three picks, CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, DE Calais Campbell and WR Early Doucet, and they still would have gotten rave reviews.

Grade: Disorderlies

The combined weight of the Niners’ first two draft picks is 623 pounds, and that’s after you put these two in their underwear and keep them a liquid diet for about two months. On paper, they look like they hit all their areas of need, but then I wouldn’t be surprised if Kentwan Balmer and Chilo Rachal ate the paper, too.

Grade: Repo Man

Snake eyes on their first two picks, a run stopping DE and a blocking TE. They probably could have gotten those types of players later in the draft. But you have to love the pickup of madman FB Owen Schmitt to replace retired FB Mack Strong. He is the living embodiment of some advice that a therapist friend of mine once gave me. "Mike," he said, "there’s nothing wrong with you that a good head butt won’t cure."

Grade: Swimming with Sharks

Owner Arthur Blank knows how hard it is to sell tickets to the notoriously fickle Atlanta fan base, so his ‘suggestion’ of the Matt Ryan pick is understandable. Trading back into the first round for OT Sam Baker was questionable, but there were a few teams with O-line needs ahead of their second pick, and they are desperate for tackle help. You can’t blame the Falcons for wanting to protect their investment in Ryan.

Grade: The Grifters

GM Mickey Loomis absolutely fleeced the Pats to move up to #7, swapping a third round pick for a fifth rounder to take DT Sedrick Ellis. Beyond that, they drafted a CB and added more depth at DT; sounds like the right thing to do. As a Saints fan, you’d think I’d have more to say, but the lack of 3rd and 4th rounder's makes their draft difficult to assess.

RB Jonathan Stewart and especially OT Jeff Otah are ‘win now’ picks. Coach John Fox needs to at least take his team to the playoffs to save his job, and shoring up the running game is the one thing a desperate coach with only one offensive weapon (Steve Smith) can do to turn a team around.

Grade: Half Baked

…which is what Jon Gruden must have been to bring notorious blazer Aqib Talib to a city with as many temptations as Tampa. Of course Gruden took a QB too, bringing the roster total for that position to about 342. I hear Jeff George is still looking for work.

Grade: 8 MM

Whatever foul sway that Rex Grossman has over the Bears organization, they need to just suck it up and take the PR hit. Unless somebody will go to jail, it’s not worth it. The Bears’ draft was pretty solid except for the fact that they didn’t pick a QB. Not one. Not even a guy from S.W. Cupcake St. Seriously, you have to at least have a backup plan should Grossman be…well…Grossman. And if Kyle Orton was the answer, we wouldn’t have to ask the question. Write this down: Matt Forte will be the Rookie of the Year.

Grade: An Officer and a Gentleman

They didn’t take a WR in the first round, so they start with a C+. Considering some of the other guys on the board, it might have been slightly early in Round 1 for them to take Gosder Cherilus, but taking Kevin Smith in Round 3 makes up for it. Also, I take back every bad thing I ever said about Matt Millen. His pick of Army cadet Caleb Campbell in Round 7, saving the kid from having to dodge IEDs in Iraq, was a magnanimous gesture.

Grade: 10

If you consider the trade for Jared Allen as part of this draft, the Vikings picks surpassed even the Chiefs. They got the NFL’s reigning sack master (personally, I think they should start calling QBs sacks ‘teabaggings’), the best safety coming out of the draft, and a QB that will push Tarvaris Jackson for playing time. I’m sorry. I meant to say they got a new starting QB in John David Booty.

Grade: The Caine Mutiny

What a weird draft the Packers had. Some of the picks were very good (Brian Brohm, Patrick Lee, Jermichael Finley), while some were just weird (Matt Flynn, Jordy Nelson). The bottom line is that they’re not comfortable with Aaron Rodgers in the long term, which means Favre’s former caddy could be looking to fight off mutineers.

I LOVED the move back into the second round. Walking away with WR Devin Thomas at that point was both shrewd and ballsy. I’m not sure what the thought process was behind taking WR Malcolm Kelly in addition to Thomas, but they’re obviously looking out for QB Jason Campbell’s future. Sadly, though, I have to give the Redskins a failing grade for drafting a punter. Why bother? Just sign some rookie free agent before he has to go get a real job.

Grade: The Wild Bunch

I have only good things to say about the Cowboys’ draft. Taking RB Felix Jones over Rashard Mendenhall was absolutely the right call for what the Cowboys want to do, and 4th rounder Tashard Choice gives them excellent depth. Mike Jenkins will definitely help out with the CB depth while Pacman Jones is busy making it rain.

Grade: The Toy

What do you get for the team that has everything (namely a Lombardi Trophy)? More of everything! The Giants worked hard to fill holes at LB and S, and I like the pick of Kentucky QB Andre Woodson. Unfortunately, the Woodson pick may mean the end for the ‘Round Mound of Touchdown,’ Jared Lorenzen, at the hands of a fellow UK alumnus. It was always hilarious to see him on the field. You’ll be missed, big guy.